Sources:
Histoire des intrigues galantes de la reine Christine de Suede: et de sa cour, pendant son sejour à Rome, pages 83 to 95, by Christian Gottfried Franckenstein, 1697
The history of the intrigues & gallantries of Christina, Queen of Sweden, and of her court whilst she was at Rome faithfully render'd into English from the French original, pages 73 to 82, translated by Philip Hollingworth, 1697 (1927 edition in second link)
Above: Kristina.
Above: Kristina in her distillery room. Illustration from a Dutch translation of this book.
The account:
L'Amour n'étoit pas le seul amusement de la Reine, la Chymie étoit son occupation la plus serieuse, quoy qu'elle eût perdu des sommes considérables à Hambourg à soufler, particuliérement avec le Borry Chymiste Milanois qui est en prison perpetuelle au château Saint Ange, pour heresie, lequel ne lui donna que des cendres, & de la fumée pour deux ou trois mille écus. Les malheureuses expériences l'avoient plûtôt excitée à continuer la recherche de la Pierre Philosophale, qu'elles ne l'avoient desabusée. Dés qu'elle fut arrivée à Rome, elle fit dresser un grand laboratoire dans son palais, où elle passoit la plus grande partie de son tems, & où elle consumoit les plus clairs de ses revenus, non tant en charbon & en ingrediens, que par la friponnerie des gens qu'elle employoit en ce miserable metier, car il est ordinaire aux grands d'être volez par ceux en qui ils se fient le plus. Le Cardinal Azolin qui ne vouloit pas combattre ouvertement la passion dominante de la Reine, lui presenta un nommé Bandiere Chymiste, fils d'un Apoticaire d'une petite ville de Romagne proche de Bologne, croyant par là l'avoir assez engagé à ne faire pas tant de dépense, ni de profusion, en faisant semblant de suivre l'inclination de la Reine pour la Chymie. Mais quoy que cet homme rendît en apparence un compte exact de toutes choses, le Cardinal ne s'apperçeut que troptôt de ses friponneries, puisqu'il y avoit des mois où cette depense pour la Chymie, qu'on appelloit distillerie, montoit à trois, & même à quatre mil livres. Cependant tout son merite n'étoit que q[u]elques secrets de Chymie fort peu utiles, & il ne se soûtenoit que par un caquet mal suivi, & par un reçit fabuleux des belles expériences qu'il n'avoit jamais faites. En peu de tems il eût l'adresse de s'insinuer fort avant dans les bonnes graces de la Reine, par ses complaisances outrées, tant elle étoit facile à se laisser gouverner par des gens de rien. Mais ce procedé ne lui a pas toûjours reüssi, car elle la bâtonné bien des fois, & maltraité en bien des manieres. Il est impossible de dire toutes les friponneries qu'il a faites durant sa vie, sur tout quand il se vit appuyé de la Reine, nonobstant les mauvais traitemens qu'elle lui faisoit quelque fois, mais s'il étoit flateur à l'egard de la Reine, il faisoit le fier envers tout le monde excepté ceux qui lui montroient les dents, car alors il de venoit fort souple, étant le plus poltron de tous les hommes, quoy qu'il allât toûjours armé de pistolets, & de bayonnêtes; menteur au dernier point, traitre autant à ceux qui lui faisoient du bien, qu'à ceux qui lui faisoient du mal, fort addonné aux femmes & presque toûjours yvre, quand il n'avoit pas affaire à la Reine. Quand les fureurs de cette Princesse furent un peu rallenties, c'est à dire aprés trois ou quatre années, elle voulut bien contenter le Cardinal, & faire un parti au Bandiere d'entreprendre cette distilation pour le prix de deux cent pistolles par mois, ce qu'il fut obligé d'accepter, car outre cela, on l'entretenoit d'habits, avec quinze écus de gages par mois, & bien d'autres petits profits; mais il fit tant de friponneries, que pour les specifier toutes, il faudroit avoir une bonne memoire; Ceux qui ont quelque connoissance de la Chymie, sçavent combien d'attirail & de choses il faut mettre en œuvre, tant en charbon, en fourneaux qu'en diverses pieces de terre & de verre, fioles, alembics, mortiers, & autres vases de terre, & de metal: Mais la plus grosse dépense est en drogues, Vif-argent, litarge, plomb, & mille autres ingrediens qu'on pretend convertir en or. La Reine vouloit toûjours aller le même train pour calciner, filtrer, distiller, enfin pour trouver ce qu'el[le] n'a jamais trouvé. Le misérable Bandiere étoit le joüet de la Reine & du Cardinal, lequel voulant degôuter la Reine de ce metier, étoit bien aise de voir aller toutes choses de travers. Ainsi Bandiere passoit les journées avec assez de peine, mais les nuits étoient le comble de ses miseres, car la Reine n'étant alors occupée avec personne, elle le tenoit cloüé des six, & sept heures entiéres sur ses fourneaux, & parce qu'elle ne rencontroit jamais ce qu'elle cherchoit, elle lui jettoit à la tête tout ce qu'elle tenoit sous la main, & lui donnoit de bons coups, avec le grand pillon de bois. Enfin la Reine s'aperçeut que le Cardinal la joüoit, mais pour ne pas rompre le marché avec Bandiere, & pour garder quelques mesures avec lui, sa Majesté s'avisa de lui faire des billets de ce qu'elle vouloit manipuler, croyant epargner d'avantage quand il n'auroit plus le maniment de l'argent, ainsi Bandiere alloit prendre ses poudres & autres drogues chez l'epicier, mais au bout de l'année, le Cardinal decouvrit qu'on étoit arrivé à la premiere dépense. Enfin la Reine renonça pour un tems à la Chymie, par ce que ses rentes ne venoient plus de Suede à cause de la guerre. Elle s'amusoit cependant à faire de petites expériences, & à tirer des sels de plusieurs choses. J'ay vû que Bandiere lui apportoit de petits morceaux de verre qu'on trouve en creusant dans les Caves, des anticailles de Rome, & autres semblables colifichets, quelque fois la Reine lui applaudissoit, mais quelques fois aussi le manche du balay étoit sa recompense. Le miserable étoit quelques fois si chagrin qu'il disoit mille sottises d'elle, que personne n'auroit osé redire à la Reine, parce qu'elle étoit persuadée qu'on lui portoit envie, & que les rapports qu'on faisoit de lui, n'étoient que medisance, & pour le detruire: Enfin ce malheureux aprés avoir bien souffert, faisoit souffrir à son tour tous les autres, parce qu'il prevenoit la Reine, & entroit à toute heure où elle se trouvoit. Il devint le protecteur de toutes les infamies qui se commettoient au quartier de sa Majesté, s'etant ligué avec le Marquis Delmonte, pour lui découvrir tout ce qui se passoit entre cette Princesse, & le Cardinal, ce qui ne lui étoit pas dificile, saçhant tous les coins du Palais, où il se pouvoit cacher pour tout entendre. Le Cardinal desesperé lui joüa un tour de souplesse pour le perdre. Il commença à le caresser de nouveau, & il insinua à la Reine de lui mettre entre les mains les aumônes de cent écus par mois, qu'elle faisoit distribuer aux pauvres familles de Rome, Il fut ravi de ce pieux employ, mais de la maniere qu'il se comporta, le Cardinal eût bientôt lieu de se venger des chagrins qu'il lui avoit donné, car ce coquin en distribuant les aumônes, au lieu de les donner à d'honnêtes familles selon l'intention de la Reine, il les distribuoit à des gens de mauvaise vie pour assouvir ses passions infames, & comme il étoit obligé de montrer des certificats de pauvreté sous signez de curez, il les faisoit contrefaire, ou s'il s'adressoit à des femmes & filles d'honneur pour avoir quelques certificats veritables, il faisoit tant qu'il les subornoit la plûpart à la seconde ou 3. visite de charité, pour leur faire l'aumône secréte: Celles qui ne vouloient pas s'abbandonner à lui, étoient privées de l'aumône, & il faisoit son rapport que c'étoient des gens perdus de reputation, qui ne meritoient pas que la Reine leur fît la charité. On en murmura, on s'en plaignit même au Cardinal, mais il n'en voulut point prendre connoissance, & renvoya les pauvres & les curez s'en plaindre à la Reine. Un curé zêlé de ceux qu'on appelloit les Barbons du Pape, vint hardiment un jour trouver sa Majesté, mais soit que ce Prêtre ne voulut pas demeurer d'accord de sa foiblesse, & de son mauvais choix en la personne de Bandiere pour son aumonier secret, le Barbon fut rabroué, & Bandiere en niant ses mauvaises actions fut crû sur sa parole. Mais comme c'étoit un miserable que nulle politique ne rendoit sage, il en fit tant que le Pape qui étoit Innocent XI. en eût des plaintes de tous cotez. Le Cardinal Azolin allant à l'audience du St. Pere, reconnut que le Pape étoit en colere, & il le lui marqua de maniere que le Cardinal ne pût se defendre d'écrire un billet à la Reine, des plaintes qu'on faisoit de Bandiere. Ce billet arriva malheureusement dans le tems que la Reine étoit broüillée avec la Cardinal pour d'autres affaires, ainsi il ne fut pas bien reçeu, au contraire elle le donna par depit à Bandiere, en lui disant «tien Bandiere ces méchans prêtres te voulent ruiner auprés de moy, mais moque toy d[']eux je te protegeray toûjours»: Bandiere se jettant aux genoux de la Reine, avec des larmes de Crocodile, lui demanda sa protection, & puis alla montrer le billet au Cardinal à tout le monde, en disant mille sottises. Le pauvre Cardinal voyant que la Reine l'avoit sacrifié fit semblant de n'en rien sçavoir, & pour avoir le bien de sa Majesté aprés sa mort il en a bien souffert d'autres de Bandiere, je n'en rapporte pas la dixiéme partie; Mais les Heritiers de ce Cardinal se sont bien vangez de ce misérable, & l'ont reduit à mourir de necessité, aprés avoir été le rebut, & l'opprobre de tous ceux qui l'avoient connu. Comme c'étoit une mechante langue, & qu'il avoit offensé tout le monde, il ne trouva point d'amis dans le besoin & même il ne faut pas s'etonner, si ayant des honnoré tant d'honnêtes familles, Dieu ait permis que la sienne l'ait été aussi. Il avoit une fille assez belle, mais fort ambitieuse, qui ne se contentoit pas des habits que son Pere lui faisoit porter, parçe que c'étoit un avaricieux qui lui faisoit souvent manquer le necessaire; Il n'étoit pourtant mênager que chez lui. Un certain Abbé devint amoureux de cette fille, c'est un Gentilhomme Italien d'assez bonne maison, appellé l'Abbé vannini, lequel deviendra fort fameux par ses violences dans la suite de cette histoire. Comme ce Prelat a toûjours voulu de frians morceaux, & qu'il ne regardoit point à la dépense, on écouta bientôt ses propositions. La conclusion se fit sans grands preliminaires, car en Italie on vient d'abord au fait en ces sortes d'affaires, & parce que les occasions sont plus rares qu'ailleurs, quand elles se presentent, on ne manque pas d'en profiter. Un soir bien tard que Bandiere, selon la coûtume, revenoit de chez la Reine, il trouva un Garde à la porte de son logis qui ne voulut pas le laisser entrer, & parce que Bandiere avoit dit qu'il coucheroit chez la Reine où il avoit un lit, nos amans ne s'attendoient pas qu'il vint interrompre leurs plaisirs, & troubler la fête. Bandiere chassé de sa maison mit la main au pistolet, mais soit qu'il ne prît pas feu, ou qu'il ne sçût pas s'en servir, deux hommes se jettérent sur sa fripperie, & le roüérent de coups, ne le voulans pas tuer. Il fut accompagné par ces gens incommodes, jusques chez son bon ami le Marquis Delmonte, où il se refugia, & passa fort mal le reste de la nuit, & cependant l'Amant de sa fille s'evada, mais on sçût cette histoire dés le lendemain par toute la Ville. Bandiere en porta ses plaintes à la Reine, mais comme elle se payoit quelques fois de raison, elle lui dit qu'il ne devoit pas trouver etrange qu'on l'eût auné à la même mesure qu'il avoit mesuré les autres. Le Cardinal Azolin en rit de tout son cœur, & le Marquis Delmonte aprés avoir eu sa part au gâteau, fit en sorte de porter la Reine à faire mettre cette fille dans un monastere pour quelque tems. Cependant il s'est trouvé un niais qui l[']a epousée malgré ses parens, qui connoissoient mieux la fille que lui, mais la pauvre misérable mourut en couche de son premier enfant.
Non seulement la Reine cherchoit l'art de faire de l'or, mais elle pretendoit trouver la Medecine universelle, & le secret de vivre plus d'un siecle: Comme elle croyoit de leger, ayant lû dans le mercure Galand un secret sur ce sujet, elle voulut l'eprouver sur sa personne, sans autre precaution, mais elle en pensa crever, & s'en seroit trouvée trés mal, si l'on ne l'avoit secourüe au plus vîte. Cette experience n'ayant pas reüssi, elle se laissa encore attraper quelque tems aprés, par un Anglois Chymiste, lequel aprés l'avoir entretenuë un jour de plusieurs choses assez curieuses, l'assûra qu'il avoit un secret pour prolonger la vie, & qu'une personne de 50 à soixante ans pourroit se maintenir avec la même vigueur, jusqu'à six vingts ans & tirer encore plus loin. Il en fit l'application sur soy même ou à l'âge de 70 ans, à ce qu'il disoit, il avoit encore bon appetit, dormoit bien & faisoit toutes les fonctions de la vie comme un homme de 50 ans. Il lui montra pour preuve de son sçavoir, plusieurs certificats de quantité de personnes, que non seulement il disoit avoir gueries d'etranges maladies, mais qu'il avoit rajeunies, & auxquelles il avoit donné de la vigueur. Il fit une experience sur le Marquis Delmonte, qui montra une vigueur extréme dans un combat d'amour, & il assûra la Reine que ce Marquis à l'âge de 60 ans n'avoit jamais eu plus de vigueur qu'alors. Il n'en falut pas d'avantage afin que la Reine prît feu. Le Charlatan Anglois sçût si bien la persuader qu'elle voulut avoir son secret. Cet homme témoigna qu'il n'avoit jamais voulu l'enseigner à personne, mais qu'il lui fourniroit la dose dont elle pourroit se servir, ce qui lui suffisoit sans l'obliger à declarer son secret, parce que sa Majesté étant la plus genereuse Reine du monde, elle ne feroit pas dificulté de l'apprendre à bien des gens, que pour lui ce secret étoit tout son tresor. Enfin la Reine echauffée lui promit dix mille écus pour sçavoir son secret, à condition qu'il s'en iroit hors de l'Italie, & qu'il n'y mettroit plus de pied, mais il faisoit toûjours le rencheri. Le Marquis Delmonte qui pretendoit en tirer sa part, persuadoit la Reine de ne point laisser echapper ce secret, ainsi la chose vint si avant qu'on lui offrit trente mille écus. Le Cardinal Azolin l'ayant sçû, fut tout epouvanté d'une si grosse somme; Car la Reine vouloit lui donner une cedule sur le banc où le Saint Esprit étoit en depost, ou lui mettre des pierreries entre les mains pour sa seureté. Un jour étant parmi ses filles dans le tems qu'on la peignoit, elle dit, «je ne veux mettre sur les modes plus que jamais, mon secret fera bien soupirer des gens, & en pourra rejoüir d'autres. J'espere en Dieu de vivre encore plus que je n'ay véçû, & bien au de là, & de voir encore une douzaine de pontifes; c'est là où j'apprendray bien des choses que je pourray assûrer d'avoir vuës, quoy que le Cardinal Ricci ait dit de moy; «La Reine de Suede mange beaucoup, mais elle digére peu parce qu'elle ne mâche pas assez, cela avancera sa mort». Il est mort lui même ce vieux fou, mais moy je vivray long tems», & autres semblables pauvretez: mais ces belles esperances s'evanoüirent bien-tôt, car le Cardinal Azolin, avec cent pistolles chassa l'Anglois de Rome, quoyque lui même ait fait voir depuis une semblable foiblesse dans sa derniere maladie, où il voulut acheter deux mille écus une pillule composée par le Marquis Santinelli.
With modernised spelling:
L'amour n'était pas le seul amusement de la reine. La chimie était son occupation la plus sérieuse, quoiqu'elle eût perdu des sommes considérables à Hambourg à souffler, particulièrement avec le Borri, chimiste milanais, qui est en prison perpétuelle au château Saint-Ange pour hérésie, lequel ne lui donna que des cendres et de la fumée pour deux ou trois mille écus. Les malheureuses expériences l'avaient plutôt excitée à continuer la recherche de la pierre philosophale qu'elles ne l'avaient désabusée.
Dès qu'elle fut arrivée à Rome, elle fit dresser un grand laboratoire dans son palais, où elle passait la plus grande partie de son temps et où elle consumait les plus clairs de ses revenus, non tant en charbon et en ingrédients que par la friponnerie des gens qu'elle employait en ce misérable métier, car il est ordinaire aux grands d'être volés par ceux en qui ils se fient le plus.
Le cardinal Azzolin, qui ne voulait pas combattre ouvertement la passion dominante de la reine, lui présenta un nommé Bandière, chimiste, fils d'un apothicaire d'une petite ville de Romagne proche de Bologne, croyant par là l'avoir assez engagé à ne faire pas tant de dépense, ni de profusion en faisant semblant de suivre l'inclination de la reine pour la chimie. Mais, quoique cet homme rendît en apparence un compte exact de toutes choses, le cardinal ne s'aperçut que trop tôt de ses friponneries, puisqu'il y avait des mois où cette dépense pour la chimie, qu'on appelait distillerie, montait à trois et même à quatre mille livres.
Cependant, tout son mérite n'était que quelques secrets de chimie fort peu utiles, et il ne se soutenait que par un caquet mal suivi et par un récit fabuleux des belles expériences qu'il n'avait jamais faites. En peu de temps il eut l'adresse de s'insinuer fort avant dans les bonnes grâces de la reine par ses complaisances outrées, tant elle était facile à se laisser gouverner par des gens de rien. Mais ce procédé ne lui a pas toujours réussi, car elle la bâtonné bien des fois et maltraité en bien des manières.
Il est impossible de dire toutes les friponneries qu'il a faites durant sa vie, surtout quand il se vit appuyé de la reine, nonobstant les mauvais traitements qu'elle lui faisait quelquefois; mais, s'il était flatteur à l'égard de la reine, il faisait le fier envers tout le monde excepté ceux qui lui montraient les dents, car alors il de venait fort souple, étant le plus poltron de tous les hommes, quiqu'il allât toujours armé de pistolets et de baïonnettes — menteur au dernier point, traitre autant à ceux qui lui faisaient du bien qu'à ceux qui lui faisaient du mal, fort adonné aux femmes et presque toujours ivre quand il n'avait pas affaire à la reine.
Quand les fureurs de cette princesse furent un peu rallenties, c'est-à-dire après trois ou quatre années, elle voulut bien contenter le cardinal et faire un parti au Bandière d'entreprendre cette distilation pour le prix de deux cent pistoles par mois, ce qu'il fut obligé d'accepter, car outre cela on l'entretenait d'habits avec quinze écus de gages par mois et bien d'autres petits profits; mais il fit tant de friponneries que, pour les spécifier toutes, il faudrait avoir une bonne mémoire.
Ceux qui ont quelque connaissance de la chimie savent combien d'attirail et de choses il faut mettre en œuvre tant en charbon, en fourneaux qu'en diverses pièces de terre et de verre, fioles, alambics, mortiers et autres vases de terre et de métal; mais la plus grosse dépense est en drogues, vif-argent, litharge, plomb et mille autres ingrédients qu'on prétend convertir en or. La reine voulait toujours aller le même train pour calciner, filtrer, distiller, enfin pour trouver ce qu'elle n'a jamais trouvé. Le misérable Bandière était le jouet de la reine et du cardinal, lequel, voulant dégoûter la reine de ce métier, était bien aise de voir aller toutes choses de travers.
Ainsi Bandière passait les journées avec assez de peine, mais les nuits étaient le comble de ses misères, car la reine n'étant alors occupée avec personne, elle le tenait cloué des six et sept heures entières sur ses fourneaux; et parce qu'elle ne rencontrait jamais ce qu'elle cherchait, elle lui jetait à la tête tout ce qu'elle tenait sous la main et lui donnait de bons coups avec le grand pilon de bois.
Enfin la reine s'aperçut que le cardinal la jouait; mais, pour ne pas rompre le marché avec Bandière, et pour garder quelques mesures avec lui, Sa Majesté s'avisa de lui faire des billets de ce qu'elle voulait manipuler, croyant épargner d'avantage quand il n'aurait plus le maniment de l'argent, ainsi Bandière allait prendre ses poudres et autres drogues chez l'épicier. Mais, au bout de l'année, le cardinal découvrit qu'on était arrivé à la première dépense.
Enfin la reine renonça pour un temps à la chimie, parce que ses rentes ne venaient plus de Suède, à cause de la guerre. Elle s'amusait cependant à faire de petites expériences et à tirer des sels de plusieurs choses. J'ai vu que Bandière lui apportait de petits morceaux de verre qu'on trouve en creusant dans les caves, des antiquailles de Rome et autres semblables colifichets. Quelquefois la reine lui applaudissait, mais quelquefois aussi le manche du balai était sa récompense.
Le miserable était quelquefois si chagrin qu'il disait mille sottises d'elle que personne n'aurait osé redire à la reine, parce qu'elle était persuadée qu'on lui portait envie et que les rapports qu'on faisait de lui n'étaient que médisance, et pour le détruire. Enfin ce malheureux, après avoir bien souffert, faisait souffrir à son tour tous les autres, parce qu'il prévenait la reine et entrait à toute heure où elle se trouvait.
Il devint le protecteur de toutes les infamies qui se commettaient au quartier de Sa Majesté, s'étant ligué avec le marquis del Monte pour lui découvrir tout ce qui se passait entre cette princesse et le cardinal, ce qui ne lui était pas dificile, sachant tous les coins du palais, où il se pouvait cacher pour tout entendre. Le cardinal, désespéré, lui joua un tour de souplesse pour le perdre. Il commença à le caresser de nouveau, et il insinua à la reine de lui mettre entre les mains les aumônes de cent écus par mois qu'elle faisait distribuer aux pauvres familles de Rome.
Il fut ravi de ce pieux emploi, mais de la manière qu'il se comporta, le cardinal eut bientôt lieu de se venger des chagrins qu'il lui avait donné, car ce coquin, en distribuant les aumônes, au lieu de les donner à d'honnêtes familles selon l'intention de la reine, il les distribuait à des gens de mauvaise vie pour assouvir ses passions infâmes; et comme il était obligé de montrer des certificats de pauvreté soussignés de curés, il les faisait contrefaire, ou s'il s'adressait à des femmes et filles d'honneur pour avoir quelques certificats véritables.
Il faisait tant qu'il les subornait la plupart à la seconde ou troisième visite de charité pour leur faire l'aumône secrète. Celles qui ne voulaient pas s'abandonner à lui étaient privées de l'aumône, et il faisait son rapport que c'étaient des gens perdus de réputation, qui ne méritaient pas que la reine leur fît la charité. On en murmura, on s'en plaignit même au cardinal, mais il n'en voulut point prendre connaissance et renvoya les pauvres et les curés s'en plaindre à la reine.
Un curé, zélé de ceux qu'on appelait les barbons du pape, vint hardiment un jour trouver Sa Majesté, mais soit que ce prêtre ne voulut pas demeurer d'accord de sa faiblesse et de son mauvais choix en la personne de Bandière pour son aumônier secret, le barbon fut rabroué; et Bandière, en niant ses mauvaises actions, fut cru sur sa parole. Mais, comme c'était un misérable que nulle politique ne rendait sage, il en fit tant que le pape (qui était Innocent XI) en eut des plaintes de tous côtés.
Le cardinal Azzolin, allant à l'audience du Saint Père, reconnut que le pape était en colère, et il le lui marqua de manière que le cardinal ne put se défendre d'écrire un billet à la reine, des plaintes qu'on faisait de Bandière. Ce billet arriva malheureusement dans le temps que la reine était brouillée avec la cardinal pour d'autres affaires; ainsi il ne fut pas bien reçu — au contraire, elle le donna par dépit à Bandière en lui disant:
«Tiens, Bandière; ces méchants prêtres te voulent ruiner auprès de moi, mais moque-toi d'eux. Je te protégerai toujours.»
Bandière, se jetant aux genoux de la reine, avec des larmes de crocodile, lui demanda sa protection, et puis alla montrer le billet au cardinal à tout le monde, en disant mille sottises. Le pauvre cardinal, voyant que la reine l'avait, sacrifié fit semblant de n'en rien savoir; et, pour avoir le bien de Sa Majesté après sa mort, il en a bien souffert d'autres de Bandière. Je n'en rapporte pas la dixième partie; mais les héritiers de ce cardinal se sont bien vengés de ce misérable et l'ont reduit à mourir de nécessité, après avoir été le rebut et l'opprobre de tous ceux qui l'avaient connu.
Comme c'était une méchante langue et qu'il avait offensé tout le monde, il ne trouva point d'amis dans le besoin, et même il ne faut pas s'étonner si, ayant déshonoré tant d'honnêtes familles, Dieu ait permis que la sienne l'ait été aussi. Il avait une fille assez belle, mais fort ambitieuse, qui ne se contentait pas des habits que son père lui faisait porter, parce que c'était un avaricieux qui lui faisait souvent manquer le nécessaire. Il n'était pourtant ménager que chez lui.
Un certain abbé devint amoureux de cette fille. C'est un gentilhomme italien d'assez bonne maison, appelé l'abbé Vanini, lequel deviendra fort fameux par ses violences dans la suite de cette histoire. Comme ce prélat a toujours voulu de friands morceaux et qu'il ne regardait point à la dépense, on écouta bientôt ses propositions. La conclusion se fit sans grands préliminaires, car en Italie on vient d'abord au fait en ces sortes d'affaires; et parce que les occasions sont plus rares qu'ailleurs, quand elles se présentent on ne manque pas d'en profiter.
Un soir bien tard que Bandière, selon la coutume, revenait de chez la reine, il trouva un garde à la porte de son logis qui ne voulut pas le laisser entrer, et parce que Bandière avait dit qu'il coucherait chez la reine, où il avait un lit, nos amants ne s'attendaient pas qu'il vint interrompre leurs plaisirs et troubler la fête. Bandière, chassé de sa maison, mit la main au pistolet, mais, soit qu'il ne prît pas feu, ou qu'il ne sût pas s'en servir, deux hommes se jetèrent sur sa fripperie et le rouèrent de coups, ne le voulants pas tuer.
Il fut accompagné par ces gens incommodes, jusque chez son bon ami le marquis del Monte, où il se refugia et passa fort mal le reste de la nuit; et cependant l'amant de sa fille s'évada, mais on sut cette histoire dès le lendemain par toute la ville. Bandière en porta ses plaintes à la reine, mais, comme elle se payait quelquefois de raison, elle lui dit qu'il ne devait pas trouver étrange qu'on l'eût auné à la même mesure qu'il avait mesuré les autres.
Le cardinal Azzolin en rit de tout son cœur, et le marquis del Monte, après avoir eu sa part au gâteau, fit en sorte de porter la reine à faire mettre cette fille dans un monastère pour quelque temps. Cependant, il s'est trouvé un niais qui l'a épousée malgré ses parents, qui connaissaient mieux la fille que lui; mais la pauvre misérable mourut en couche de son premier enfant.
Non seulement la reine cherchait l'art de faire de l'or, mais elle prétendait trouver la médecine universelle et le secret de vivre plus d'un siècle. Comme elle croyait de léger, ayant lu dans le Mercure galant un secret sur ce sujet, elle voulut l'éprouver sur sa personne sans autre précaution, mais elle en pensa crever et s'en serait trouvée très mal si l'on ne l'avait secourue au plus vite.
Cette expérience n'ayant pas réussi, elle se laissa encore attraper quelque temps après par un anglais chimiste, lequel, après l'avoir entretenue un jour de plusieurs choses assez curieuses, l'assura qu'il avait un secret pour prolonger la vie et qu'une personne de cinquante à soixante ans pourrait se maintenir avec la même vigueur jusqu'à six-vingts ans et tirer encore plus loin. Il en fit l'application sur soi-même, où, à l'âge de 70 ans, à ce qu'il disait, il avait encore bon appetit, dormait bien et faisait toutes les fonctions de la vie comme un homme de 50 ans.
Il lui montra pour preuve de son savoir plusieurs certificats de quantité de personnes que non seulement il disait avoir guéries d'étranges maladies, mais qu'il avait rajeunies, et auxquelles il avait donné de la vigueur. Il fit une expérience sur le marquis del Monte, qui montra une vigueur extrême dans un combat d'amour, et il assura la reine que ce marquis, à l'âge de 60 ans, n'avait jamais eu plus de vigueur qu'alors.
Il n'en fallut pas davantage afin que la reine prit feu. Le charlatan anglais sut si bien la persuader qu'elle voulut avoir son secret. Cet homme témoigna qu'il n'avait jamais voulu l'enseigner à personne, mais qu'il lui fournirait la dose dont elle pourrait se servir, ce qui lui suffisait sans l'obliger à déclarer son secret, parce que Sa Majesté, étant la plus généreuse reine du monde, elle ne ferait pas difficulté de l'apprendre à bien des gens, que pour lui ce secret était tout son trésor.
Enfin la reine, échauffée, lui promit dix mille écus pour savoir son secret, à condition qu'il s'en irait hors de l'Italie et qu'il n'y mettrait plus de pied, mais il faisait toujours le renchéri. Le marquis del Monte, qui prétendait en tirer sa part, persuadait la reine de ne point laisser échapper ce secret. Ainsi la chose vint si avant qu'on lui offrit trente mille écus. Le cardinal Azzolin, l'ayant su, fut tout épouvanté d'une si grosse somme, car la reine voulait lui donner une cédule sur le banc où le Saint Esprit était en dépôt, ou lui mettre des pierreries entre les mains pour sa sûreté.
Un jour, étant parmi ses filles dans le temps qu'on la peignait, elle dit:
«Je ne veux mettre sur les modes plus que jamais. Mon secret fera bien soupirer des gens et en pourra réjouir d'autres. J'espère en Dieu de vivre encore plus que je n'ai vécu — et bien au-delà — et de voir encore une douzaine de pontifes. C'est là où j'apprendrai bien des choses que je pourrai assurer d'avoir vues, quoique le cardinal Ricci ait dit de moi: «La reine de Suède mange beaucoup, mais elle digère peu, parce qu'elle ne mâche pas assez; cela avancera sa mort.»
Il est mort lui-même, ce vieux fou, mais moi, je vivrai longtemps»,
et autres semblables pauvretés.
Mais ces belles espérances s'évanouirent bientôt, car le cardinal Azzolin, avec cent pistoles, chassa l'Anglais de Rome, quoique lui-même ait fait voir depuis une semblable faiblesse dans sa dernière maladie, où il voulut acheter deux mille écus une pilule composée par le marquis Santinelli.
Swedish translation (my own):
Kärleken var inte drottningens enda nöje. Kemi var hennes allvarligaste sysselsättning, även om hon hade förlorat avsevärda summor i Hamburg på att blåsa, särskilt med Borri, en milanesisk kemist, som sitter i evigt fängelse i Castel Sant'Angelo för kätteri, som inte gav henne annat än aska och rök för två eller tre tusen écus. De olyckliga experimenten hade mer upphetsat henne att fortsätta sökandet efter de vises sten än de hade missbrukat henne.
Så snart hon anlände till Rom lät hon bygga ett stort laboratorium i sitt palats, där hon tillbringade större delen av sin tid och där hon förbrukade huvuddelen av sin inkomst, inte så mycket i kol och ingredienser som i skurkaktigheten hos de människor hon anställde i denna eländiga handel, ty det är vanligt att stora människor blir rånade av dem som de litar mest på.
Kardinal Azzolino, som inte öppet ville bekämpa drottningens dominerande passion, presenterade för henne en man vid namn Bandiera, en kemist, son till en apotekare från en liten stad i Romagna nära Bologna, och trodde att han därigenom tillräckligt hade övertalat honom att inte spendera så mycket eller att vara så produktiv i att låtsas följa drottningens böjelse för kemin. Men även om denne man tydligen gav en exakt redogörelse för allt, upptäckte kardinalen bara alltför snart sin skurkaktighet, ty det fanns månader då dessa utgifter för kemi, som kallades destilleri, uppgick till tre och till och med fyra tusen livres.
Men alla hans förtjänster var bara några mycket värdelösa hemligheter inom kemin, och han försörjde sig endast av ett dåligt följt prat och av en fantastisk redogörelse för de vackra experiment han aldrig hade gjort. På kort tid hade han skickligheten att insinuera sig väl in i drottningens goda nåder genom sina upprörande komplimanger, så lätt var hon att låta sig styras av oduglingar. Men detta förfarande lyckades honom inte alltid, ty hon slog honom med en batong många gånger och misshandlade honom på många sätt.
Det är omöjligt att berätta om alla de skurkaktigheter han begått under sitt liv, särskilt när han fann sig stöttad av drottningen, trots den dåliga behandling hon ibland gav honom; men om han var smickrande mot drottningen, så uppträdde han stolt mot alla utom dem som visade honom sina tänder, för då blev han mycket smidig, var den fegaste av alla män, som alltid gick beväpnade med pistoler och bajonetter — en lögnare i högsta grad, en förrädare lika mycket mot dem som gjorde honom gott som mot dem som gjorde honom dåligt, ytterst beroende av kvinnor och nästan alltid full när han inte hade att göra med drottningen.
De som har viss kunskap i kemi vet hur mycket attiraljer och saker som måste användas både i kol, ugnar och olika bitar av jord och glas, fiol, alambiker, mortlar och andra lergods och metallkärl; men den största kostnaden ligger i droger, kvicksilver, litharge, bly och tusen andra ingredienser som påstås omvandlas till guld. Drottningen ville alltid gärna gå samma väg för att kalcinera, filtrera och destillera — kort sagt, för att hitta det hon aldrig hittade. Den eländige Bandiera var drottningens och kardinalens leksak, som ville göra drottningen äcklad av detta yrke och var mycket glad över att se att allt gick fel.
Sålunda tillbringade Bandiera dagarna med tillräckligt svårt, men nätterna var höjden av hans elände, för drottningen, då han då inte var upptagen med någon, höll honom spikad i sex eller sju timmar på sina spisar; och eftersom hon aldrig fann det hon sökte, kastade hon i huvudet allt hon hade till hands och gav honom goda slag med den stora mortelstöten.
Till slut insåg drottningen att kardinalen vilseledde henne; men för att inte bryta köpet med Bandiera, och för att hålla vissa åtgärder med honom, tog Hennes Majestät det in i hennes huvud att skriva till honom biljetter för vad hon ville manipulera, och trodde att hon skulle spara mer när han inte längre hade förmågan att hantera pengar, så Bandiera skulle gå och hämta hans pulver och andra droger från specerihandlaren. Men i slutet av året upptäckte kardinalen att den första kostnaden hade uppnåtts.
Till sist gav drottningen upp kemin för en tid, ty hennes inkomster inte längre kom från Sverige på grund av kriget. Hon roade sig dock med att göra små experiment och utvinna salter från olika saker. Jag har sett att Bandiera tog med sig små glasbitar som man hittar när man grävde i källare, antikviteter från Rom och andra liknande prydnadssaker. Ibland applåderade drottningen honom, men ibland var också kvastskaftet hans belöning.
Stackaren blev ibland så upprörd att han sade tusen dumma saker om henne som ingen skulle ha vågat upprepa för drottningen, ty hon var övertygad om att folk avundades honom och att de rapporter som gjordes om honom inte var annat än förtal och avsedda att förgöra honom. Slutligen fick denna olyckliga man, efter att ha lidit mycket, alla andra att lida i tur och ordning, ty han varnade drottningen och gick in var hon än var när som helst.
Han blev beskyddare av alla infamier som begicks i Hennes Majestäts kvarter, efter att ha slagit sig samman med markisen del Monte för att avslöja för honom allt som hände mellan denna prinsessa och kardinalen, vilket inte var svårt för honom, eftersom han kände till varje hörn av palatset, där han kunde gömma sig för att höra allt. Kardinalen, i förtvivlan, spelade ett knep av smidighet för att förlora honom. Han började smickra honom igen, och han insinuerade till drottningen att lägga i hans händer de allmosor på hundra écus per månad som hon hade delat ut till de fattiga familjerna i Rom.
Han var förtjust i denna fromma sysselsättning, men på grund av det sätt som han uppförde sig på, fick kardinalen snart anledning att hämnas för de sorger han vållat honom, emedan denne skurk, genom att dela ut allmosor, i stället för att ge dem till ärliga familjer, enligt drottningens avsikt, delade han ut dem till människor av dåligt levnadssätt för att tillfredsställa sin ökända passion; och då han var skyldig att visa av kurater undertecknade fattigdomsbevis, lät han förfalska dem, eller om han riktade sig till kvinnor och hederspigor för att ha några äkta certifikat.
Han gjorde så mycket att han mutade de flesta av dem vid det andra eller tredje välgörenhetsbesöket för att ge dem hemliga allmosor. De som inte ville överge sig åt honom blev berövade allmosor, och han rapporterade att de var människor med förlorat rykte, som inte förtjänade att drottningen skulle ge dem välgörenhet. Det mumlades om det och till och med klagomål till kardinalen, men han vägrade att ta hänsyn och skickade tillbaka de fattiga och kuraterna för att klaga till drottningen.
En kurat, en nitisk av dem som kallades påvens barboni, kom en dag frimodigt för att finna Hennes Majestät, men emedan denne kurat inte ville instämma i hennes svaghet och hennes dåliga val i Bandieras person för hennes hemlige kapellan, blev barbonen avvisad; och Bandiera, genom att förneka sina dåliga handlingar, troddes på hans ord. Men eftersom han var en stackare som ingen politik kunde göra klok, gjorde han så mycket att påven (som var Innocentius XI) hade klagomål från alla håll.
Kardinal Azzolino, som gick till audiensen med den Helige Fadern, insåg att påven var arg, och han gjorde det klart för honom på ett sådant sätt att kardinalen inte kunde motstå att skriva en lapp till drottningen och informera dem om klagomålen om Bandiera. Tyvärr kom denna lapp vid en tidpunkt då drottningen var i strid med kardinalen i andra frågor; sålunda blev den inte väl mottagen — tvärtom, hon gav den till Bandiera av trots och sade:
»Här, Bandiera; dessa onda präster vill förstöra dig i mina ögon, men skratta åt dem. Jag kommer alltid att skydda dig.«
Bandiera, som kastade sig på drottningens knä, med krokodiltårar, bad om hennes skydd och gick sedan för att visa lappen för kardinalen för alla och sade tusen nonsens. Den stackars kardinalen, som såg att drottningen hade offrat honom, låtsades inte veta något om det; och för att upprätthålla Hennes Majestäts lycka efter hans död, led han många fler av Bandiera. Jag redovisar inte en tiondel av den; men arvingarna till denne kardinal tog sin hämnd på denne stackare och reducerade honom till att dö av nöd, efter att ha varit utstötta och utsatta för alla dem som känt honom.
Eftersom han hade en ond tunga och hade förolämpat alla, fann han inga vänner i nöd, och det är verkligen inte förvånande att Gud, efter att ha vanhedrat så många ärliga familjer, lät hans egna också vanäras. Han hade en ganska vacker men mycket ambitiös dotter, som inte nöjde sig med de kläder hennes far fick henne att bära eftersom han var en snålhet som ofta lämnade henne utan förnödenheter. Ändå var han bara husman hemma.
En viss abbot blev kär i denna flicka. Han var en italiensk herre av ganska god familj, kallad abbot Vanini, som skulle bli mycket känd för sitt våld under den här historiens gång. Eftersom denne prelat alltid ville ha läckra småbitar och inte tittade på bekostnad, lyssnades snart på hans förslag. Slutsatsen nåddes utan större förberedelser, ty i Italien kommer man först till punkten i det här slags affärer; och eftersom möjligheter är mer sällsynta än någon annanstans, när de dyker upp, misslyckas man inte att utnyttja dem.
En sen kväll, när Bandiera var på väg tillbaka från hos drottningen, som var hans sed, fann han en vakt vid dörren till sitt logi som inte ville släppa in honom. Eftersom Bandiera hade sagt att han skulle sova hos drottningen, där han hade en säng, förväntade sig inte våra älskare att han skulle komma och avbryta deras nöjen och störa festen. Bandiera, jagad från sitt hus, fick tag på en pistolett, men antingen för att den inte avfyrade, eller för att han inte visste hur han skulle använda den, kastade två män sig på hans kläder och slog honom, utan att de ville döda honom.
Kardinal Azzolino skrattade hjärtligt åt detta, och markisen del Monte, efter att ha fått sin del av kakan, såg till att övertala drottningen att låta denna flicka placeras i ett kloster ett tag. Men det fanns en dåre som gifte sig med henne trots hennes föräldrar, som kände flickan bättre än han; men den stackars flickan dog när hon födde sitt första barn.
Drottningen sökte inte bara konsten att tillverka guld, utan hon påstod sig ha hittat den universella medicinen och hemligheten med att leva i mer än ett sekel. Eftersom hon ansåg att det var oseriöst, efter att ha läst en hemlighet i Le Mercure galant om detta ämne, ville hon testa den på sig själv utan några andra försiktighetsåtgärder, men hon trodde att hon skulle dö och skulle ha befunnits mycket sjuk om hon inte hade blivit frisk så snabbt som möjligt.
Efter att detta experiment inte lyckats, lät hon sig en tid senare fångas igen av en engelsk kemist, som, efter att ha underhållit henne en dag med flera ganska märkliga saker, försäkrade henne att han hade en hemlighet att förlänga livet och att en person på femtio till sextio år kunde upprätthålla sig själv med samma kraft till sextioårsåldern och gå ännu längre. Han tillämpade det på sig själv, där han vid sjuttio års ålder, sade han, fortfarande hade god aptit, sov gott och utförde livets alla funktioner som en man på femtio år.
Som bevis på sin kunskap visade han henne flera intyg från en mängd människor som han påstod sig inte bara ha bott från märkliga sjukdomar utan också föryngrat och som han givit kraft åt. Han utförde ett experiment på markisen del Monte, som visade extrem kraft i en kärleksstrid, och han försäkrade drottningen att denne markis, vid 60 års ålder, aldrig hade haft mer kraft än då.
Detta var allt som krävdes för att drottningen skulle fatta eld. Den engelske charlatanen var så bra på att övertala henne att hon ville ha hans hemlighet. Denne man betygade att han aldrig hade velat lära ut det för någon, men att han skulle ge henne den dos hon kunde använda, vilket var tillräckligt för henne utan att tvinga honom att avslöja sin hemlighet, ty Hennes Majestät, som är den mest generösa drottningen i världen, inte skulle ha några svårigheter att lära ut det för många människor, och att för honom var detta hemlighetsmakeri hela hans skatt.
Slutligen lovade den upphetsade drottningen honom tio tusen écus för att lära sig hans hemlighet, på villkor att han skulle lämna Italien och aldrig sätta sin fot där igen, men han överträffade henne alltid. Markisen del Monte, som påstod sig få sin del, övertalade drottningen att inte låta denna hemlighet fly. Så kom saken till en sådan spets att han erbjöds trettio tusen écus. Kardinal Azzolino blev, efter att ha fått veta detta, alldeles förskräckt över en så stor summa, ty drottningen ville ge honom ett intyg på deposition på Banco di Spirito Santo eller lägga ädelstenar i hans händer för hans säkerhet.
En dag, bland sina flickor medan hon höll på att kamma håret, sade hon:
»Jag vill vara på modet mer än någonsin. Min hemlighet kommer att få vissa människor att sucka och kan glädja andra. Jag hoppas på Gud att få leva ännu längre än jag har levt — och långt bortom — och att se ett dussin fler påvar. Det är där jag kommer att lära mig många saker som jag kan försäkra mig om att ha sett, även om kardinal Ricci sade om mig: »Drottningen av Sverige äter mycket, men hon äter så mycket; detta kommer att påskynda hennes död.«
Han är själv död, den gamle tokstollen, men jag, jag kommer att leva länge.«
och annan liknande påverheter.
Men dessa fina förhoppningar försvann snart, ty kardinal Azzolino drev med hundra pistoler engelsmannen från Rom, fastän han själv sedan dess visat en liknande svaghet i sin sista sjukdom, där han ville köpa för två tusen écus ett piller komponerat av markisen Santinelli.
English translation (by Hollingworth):
But Love was not the only amusement of this Royal Lady; Chymistry was her more serious business, though she had lost considerable Sums of Money by it at Hamburgh; and particularly with one Borry a Chymist of Milan, who is now condemned to perpetual Imprisonment for Heresie in the Castle of St. Angelo, and who return'd her only Cinders and Smoak for 2 or 3 thousand Crowns. The unfortunate Experiments she had often made, excited her to go forward in the search of the Philosopher's Stone. As soon as she arriv'd at Rome, she built a great Laboratory in her Palace, and consumed the best part of her ready Cash, not so much in Coals and Ingredients, as the Roguery of the People she employ'd in this miserable Trade; for 'tis ordinary with great People to be robb'd by those they put the most Confidence in. Cardinal Azzolini, who would not openly oppose himself to this her predominant Passion, presented a Chymist to her, who was named Bandiere the Son of an Apothecary, in a little City of Romagnia near to Bologne, thinking by this means he had sufficiently engag'd her to keep within some reasonable bounds, himself pretending to follow the Queen's Inclination for Chymistry. But though this Man render'd an exact Account of all things to appearance, the Cardinal easily found out a great deal of Roguery, seeing there was scarce a Month pass'd, wherein the Expence upon Chymistry, which they call'd Distillation, did not amount to three, and sometimes four thousand Livres. And notwithstanding his Pretences, he had only some Secrets in Chymistry of little use, and sustain'd himself upon nothing but incoherent Tattle, and fabulous Receipts of fine Experiments, which he had never made. In a little time he had the Artifice to insinuate himself very much into the Queen's Favour, by his unreasonable Complaisance, so easie was she to be govern'd by People of no Account. But this way of Proceeding did not always succeed; for sometimes she beat him, and handled him very ill more ways than one. 'Tis impossible to reckon up all the Rogueries he had done in his Life; but above all, while he was supported by the Queen: And yet notwithstanding the ill Treatment he sometimes met with, he made bold with all Mankind, except the Queen whom he was forc'd to flatter, and such as durst shew their Teeth; for to these he was very humble, being the greatest Coward in the World, though he always went arm'd with Pistols and Bayonnets. He was a Lyar to the utter-Point, and a Traitor to those that did him good, as well as those that hurt him; very much addicted to Women, and almost always drunk when he had no business with the Queen.
After the Heat of this Princess was a little abated; (that is to say, after three or four Years,) she was willing to content the Cardinal, and bargain with Bandiere to undertake this Distillation at two hundred Pistols per Month, which he was oblig'd to accept of; for besides this he got Cloaths, with fifteen Crowns wages per Month, and many other little Profits; but he committed so many Rogueries, that he must have a good memory that is able to reckon them. Those who understand any thing of Chymistry, know what abundance of Utensils and Instruments are requisite to such Undertakings, not only in Coals and Furnaces, but in divers pieces of Earth and Glass, Vials, Alembicks, Mortars, and other Vessels of Earth and Metal. But the greatest Expence is in Drugs, Quick-silver, Litharge, Lead, and a thousand other Ingredients which they pretend to convert into Gold. The Queen would always go her self, to calcine, filter, distill, and to find out that which was never found. The miserable Bandiere was the Jest of the Queen and Cardinal, who being willing to put the Queen into a disgust of this Trade, was very glad to see all things go cross: So that Bandiere passed his Days with trouble enough, but the Nights brought an heap of Miseries upon him; for then the Queen being at leisure, would keep him lock'd for six or seven hours together at his Furnaces; and because she could never meet with what she sought for, she would throw at his head any thing that came next to her Hand, and sometimes would give him good rough blows with a Faggot-stick.
At last the Queen perceiv'd that the Cardinal only laugh'd at these her Fancies; yet because she would not break with Bandiere, but keep some measures with him, she ordered him to make Bills of what he wanted for Manual Operation, imagining she should save something, when he had no more the management of the Money: So Bandiere went for his Powders and other Drugs to the Druggist: But at the Year's end the Cardinal discovered that it came all to the same Expence. Well the Queen left off Chymistry for a time, because her Rents from Sweden came not so current as formerly, by reason of the War. Nevertheless she pleased her self with making little Experiments, and to draw Salts from many things. I have seen Bandiere bring her little Bits of Glass found in the digging of Caves, and in the Chanels of Rome, and other like Trinkets, and the Queen would sometimes commend him, and sometimes again reward him with a Box on the Ear. This miserable Wretch was sometimes so vex'd, that he would call her a thousand Fools, and yet no body durst tell the Queen of it, because she thought they bore Malice against him; and that the Reports which were told of him were nothing but ill Will, on purpose to destroy him. But after all this unhappy Man's Sufferings, he made all others suffer in their turns, because he would be always whispering Stories to the Queen, having the Privildge at all times to enter into any place where she was. Thus he became the Protector of all the Villainies that were committed in her Majesty's Quarter; and being in League with the Marquis Del Monte, wou'd discover to him all that pass'd between this Princess and the Cardinal; which was easie for him to do, knowing all corners of the Palace where he might hide himself to hearken. The Cardinal being enraged against him, and grown almost desperate, shewed him a Trick of Kindness on purpose to destroy him. He begun to caress him afresh, and insinuated into the Queen to put into his Hands the Alms of an hundred Crowns a-Months, which she caus'd to be distributed to the poor Families of Rome. He was transported with this pious Office; but he composed himself after such a manner in the doing of it, that the Cardinal had quickly an Opportunity to revenge himself of the Vexations he had given him. For this Rogue in distributing the Alms, instead of giving it to honest Families according to the Queen's Intention, gave it to People of an ill Life to satiate his infamous Passions. And because he was oblig'd to shew Certificates of Poverty sign'd by the Parish-Priests, he counterfeited them, or else applied himself to Women and Maids of Reputation to procure true Certificates from them; and he so order'd it that he subborn'd the greater part of them at the Alms in secret. Those who would not abandon themselves to his Lusts, were depriv'd of the Alms; and he gave in his Report that they were People of a scandalous Reputation, and did not deserve the Queen's Charity. They murmur'd and complain'd to the Cardinal, but he would take no Cognizance of the Matter, craftily sending both the poor People and the Parish-Priests to make their Complaint to the Queen. A zealous Curate, one of those whom they call the Pope's Barboni, went boldly one Day to find her Majesty; but whether it was that the Priest did not play his part well, or that the Queen would not take notice of his weakness, and her ill choice of Bandiere for her private Almoner, the Barboni was chid, and Bandiere denying his ill Actions was believ'd upon his Word. But as he was a Wretch whom no Politicks could make wise, he went on at such a rate, that Pope Innocent XI. had Complaints against him from all sides.
Cardinal Azzolini going to an Audience of the Holy Father, found that he was angry, and he told him of it in such a manner, that the Cardinal could not forbear writing a Letter to the Queen about those Complaints which were made against Bandiere. The Letter was brought unhappily at a time when the Queen was embroil'd with the Cardinal about other Affairs, insomuch that it was not well receiv'd; nay, on the contrary, she gave it to Bandiere out of spite to the Cardinal, saying, "Bandiere these wicked Priests would ruine thee with me; but laugh at both of them, for I will always take care of thee."
Bandiere kneeling down before the Queen, with Crocodiles Tears implor'd her protection, and afterwards shew'd the Cardinal's Letter to all the World, and gave him all the ill Language imaginable. The poor Cardinal seeing the Queen had thus sacrific'd him, made as if he never minded it; and because of his Heirship to the Queen, suffer'd both this and a great deal more from others, as well as Bandiere. But the Cardinal's Heirs were well reveng'd upon this Wretch, and reduced him to pass that he perished for want, after having been the reproach and scorn of all that knew him. For as he had a wicked Tongue, and had offended every body, he found no Friend in time of need, neither ought it to be at all wonder'd at, if seeing he had dishonour'd so many honest Families, God permitted the same to fall upon his.
He had a Daughter tolerably handsome, but very ambitious, who was not contented with the Cloaths her Father would bring her, because being covetous, she often wanted what was necessary: She therefore contrived to have them another way than from him. For a certain Abbot happened to fall in Love with her, who was an Italian Gentleman descended from an honourable Family, and was called the Abbot Vannini; which Man became notorious for his Extravagancies, as you will find in the progress of this History. For this our Prelate always loving a sweet Bit, and never valuing the Expence of it, his Propositions were quickly list'ned to; and the Conclusion was made betwixt them without any great Preliminaries: For in Italy they come presently to the Point in these kind of Affairs, because Opportunities are more scarce there than elsewhere; and when such are presented, Lovers never fail to take their Advantage.
One Night, though very late, as Bandiere according to his Custom came from the Queen, he found a Guard at the Door of his Lodging, who would not suffer him to enter; and because Bandiere used to say he could lye when he would at the Queen's, where he had a Bed, our Lovers did not expect he would have come to interrupt their Pleasures, and trouble the Merriment. Bandiere being thus kept out of his House, laid his hand upon his Pistol; but whether it were that it did not take Fire, or that he knew not how to make use of it, two Men took hold of his Cloaths and drubb'd him soundly, but did not kill him. These troublesome Companions went along with him as far as his good Friend the Marquis Del Monte's House, where he got in, and shelter'd himself, passing the rest of the Night very ill. And, after all this, his Daughter's Lover marched off at his own leisure; but the next Day this Story was spread through the whole City. Bandiere complain'd of it to the Queen, who as she sometimes paid him home, told him, that he ought not to think it strange, if the same measure were meted to him that he himself measured to others. Cardinal Azzolini laughed with all his Heart; and the Marquis Del Monte having had his part of the Concern, would fain have perswaded the Queen to put this young Woman into a Monastery for some time. But she was only a Young Thing, who had married her self without her Parent's Consent to one who was better Acquainted with the Daughter, than the Father: But the poor Wretch died in Childbed of her first Child.
Now the Queen did not only search after the Art of making Gold, but pretended to find out the Universal Medicine, and the Secret of living an hundred Years. As she was very easie of belief, having read a Secret of this kind in the Mercury Gallant, so she would try it upon her own Person, without any Precaution; but she quickly began to swell so much that she was ready to burst, and had been in a very ill condition, if she had not received a speedy Remedy. This Experiment not succeeding, she suffer'd her self to be deluded afterwards by an English Chymist, who having entertain'd her one Day with a great many things which were very curious, assur'd that he had had a Secret to prolong Life, and that by it Persons being of about fifty or sixty Years of Age, might maintain themselves in the same Vigour to Sixscore Years, and much further. He said he had made the Application upon himself, and being 70 Years old as he pretended, he had yet a good Appetite, slept well, and had all the Functions of Life as a Man of fifty Years old. And for a proof of his Knowledge, he shewed her Certificates from a great number of Persons, whom he had not only cur'd of strange Distempers, but had made Young again, and given them Vigour. He said he had tryed the Experiment upon the Marquis Del Monte, who shewd thereupon an extream Vigour in the Combat of Love, and assured the Queen, that the Marquis (tho' he were 60 Years old) had never more Vigour than at that time. He needed say no more to set the Queen on fire. This English Mountebank, knew so well how to perswade her, that she would have this Secret at any rate. He profess'd that he would never teach it to any Person, but that he would furnish her with a Dose which should be sufficient to keep by her without revealing his Secret, because Her Majesty being the most Generous Queen in the World, would make no difficulty of teaching it to a great many People, and for his part this Arcanum was all the Treasure he had. At last the Queen being eager, promis'd him ten thousand Crowns for his Secret, upon Condition he should go immediately out of Italy, and come thither no more. But he every Day raised his Price higher and higher, and the Marquis Del Monte who intended to have his Share herein, perswaded the Queen by any means not to let this Secret escape, and the thing was carry'd so far, that he was offer'd thirty thousand Crowns. But Cardinal Azzolini having understood it, was all over in a cold Sweat at so great a Sum; for the Queen was ready to have given him a Bill upon the Bank of Santo Spirito, which was engaged for Payment, or would have put her Jewels into his Hands for Security.
One Day being among her Maids, as they were combing her Head, she said, "I shall put my self into the Mode now more than ever; my Secret will be vehemently desired by some People, and rejoyce others. I hope in God to live yet longer than I have liv'd, to a large extent of Years, and to see a dozen Popes more. Then I shall tell them a great many things which I can assure them I have seen, tho' Cardinal Ricci said of me, 'The Queen of Sweden eats a great deal, and digests but little, because she does not chew it well; and this will hasten her Death.' And now the old Fool is dead himself, but as for me I shall live a long time"; and other such like things. But all these fine Hopes presently vanish'd; for Cardinal Azzolini, with an hundred Pistols, sent this English Man out of Rome, tho' himself afterward shewed a Weakness of the like kind, in his last Sickness, where he would have given two thousand Crowns for a Pill composed by the Marquis Santanell.
With modernised spelling and punctuation for easier reading:
But love was not the only amusement of this royal lady. Chemistry was her more serious business, though she had lost considerable sums of money by it at Hamburg — and particularly with one Borri, a chemist of Milan, who is now condemned to perpetual imprisonment for heresy in the Castle of St. Angelo, and who returned her only cinders and smoke for 2 or 3,000 crowns. The unfortunate experiments she had often made excited her to go forward in the search of the philosopher's stone.
As soon as she arrived at Rome, she built a great laboratory in her palace and consumed the best part of her ready cash, not so much in coals and ingredients as the roguery of the people she employed in this miserable trade, for 'tis ordinary with great people to be robbed by those they put the most confidence in.
Cardinal Azzolini, who would not openly oppose himself to this her predominant passion, presented a chemist to her, who was named Bandiera, the son of an apothecary in a little city of Romagna near to Bologna, thinking by this means he had sufficiently engaged her to keep within some reasonable bounds, himself pretending to follow the Queen's inclination for chemistry.
But though this man rendered an exact account of all things to appearance, the Cardinal easily found out a great deal of roguery, seeing there was scarce a month passed wherein the expense upon chemistry, which they called distillation, did not amount to three and sometimes four thousand livres.
And, notwithstanding his pretenses, he had only some secrets in chemistry of little use and sustained himself upon nothing but incoherent tattle and fabulous receipts of fine experiments which he had never made. In a little time he had the artifice to insinuate himself very much into the Queen's favour by his unreasonable complaisance — so easy was she to be governed by people of no account. But this way of proceeding did not always succeed, for sometimes she beat him and handled him very ill more ways than one.
'Tis impossible to reckon up all the rogueries he had done in his life, but above all while he was supported by the Queen; and yet, notwithstanding the ill-treatment he sometimes met with, he made bold with all mankind — except the Queen, whom he was forced to flatter and such as durst shew their teeth, for to these he was very humble, being the greatest coward in the world, though he always went armed with pistols and bayonets. He was a liar to the utter point and a traitor to those that did him good as well as those that hurt him, very much addicted to women, and almost always drunk when he had no business with the Queen.
After the heat of this princess was a little abated (that is to say, after three or four years), she was willing to content the Cardinal and bargain with Bandiera to undertake this distillation at two hundred pistols per month, which he was obliged to accept of, for besides this he got clothes with fifteen crowns' wages per month, and many other little profits, but he committed so many rogueries that he must have a good memory that is able to reckon them.
Those who understand anything of chemistry know what abundance of utensils and instruments are requisite to such undertakings, not only in coals and furnaces, but in diverse pieces of earth and glass, vials, alembics, mortars, and other vessels of earth and metal. But the greatest expense is in drugs, quicksilver, litharge, lead, and a thousand other ingredients which they pretend to convert into gold. The Queen would always go herself to calcine, filter, distill, and to find out that which was never found.
The miserable Bandiera was the jest of the Queen and Cardinal, who, being willing to put the Queen into a disgust of this trade, was very glad to see all things go cross, so that Bandiera passed his days with trouble enough, but the nights brought an heap of miseries upon him, for then the Queen, being at leisure, would keep him locked for six or seven hours together at his furnaces; and because she could never meet with what she sought for, she would throw at his head anything that came next to her hand, and sometimes would give him good, rough blows with a faggot stick.
At last the Queen perceived that the Cardinal only laughed at these her fancies; yet because she would not break with Bandiera, but keep some measures with him, she ordered him to make bills of what he wanted for manual operation, imagining she should save something when he had no more the management of the money. So Bandiera went for his powders and other drugs to the druggist, but at the year's end the Cardinal discovered that it came all to the same expense.
Well, the Queen left off chemistry for a time because her rents from Sweden came not so current as formerly, by reason of the war. Nevertheless, she pleased herself with making little experiments and to draw salts from many things. I have seen Bandiera bring her little bits of glass found in the digging of caves and in the channels of Rome and other like trinkets, and the Queen would sometimes commend him and sometimes again reward him with a box on the ear.
This miserable wretch was sometimes so vexed that he would call her a thousand fools, and yet nobody durst tell the Queen of it, because she thought they bore malice against him and that the reports which were told of him were nothing but ill will, on purpose to destroy him. But after all this unhappy man's sufferings, he made all others suffer in their turns, because he would be always whispering stories to the Queen, having the privilege at all times to enter into any place where she was.
Thus he became the protector of all the villainies that were committed in Her Majesty's quarter; and, being in league with the Marquis del Monte, would discover to him all that passed between this princess and the Cardinal, which was easy for him to do, knowing all corners of the palace where he might hide himself to hearken. The Cardinal being enraged against him, and grown almost desperate, shewed him a trick of kindness on purpose to destroy him. He begun to caress him afresh and insinuated into the Queen to put into his hands the alms of an hundred crowns a months, which she caused to be distributed to the poor families of Rome.
He was transported with this pious office, but he composed himself after such a manner in the doing of it that the Cardinal had quickly an opportunity to revenge himself of the vexations he had given him. For this rogue in distributing the alms, instead of giving it to honest families, according to the Queen's intention, gave it to people of an ill life to satiate his infamous passions. And because he was obliged to shew certificates of poverty signed by the parish priests, he counterfeited them or else applied himself to women and maids of reputation to procure true certificates from them; and he so ordered it that he suborned the greater part of them at the alms in secret.
Those who would not abandon themselves to his lusts were deprived of the alms, and he gave in his report that they were people of a scandalous reputation and did not deserve the Queen's charity. They murmured and complained to the Cardinal, but he would take no cognisance of the matter, craftily sending both the poor people and the parish priests to make their complaint to the Queen.
A zealous curate, one of those whom they call the Pope's barboni, went boldly one day to find Her Majesty; but whether it was that the priest did not play his part well, or that the Queen would not take notice of his weakness, and her ill choice of Bandiera for her private almoner, the barbone was chid, and Bandiera, denying his ill actions, was believed upon his word. But as he was a wretch whom no politics could make wise, he went on at such a rate that Pope Innocent XI had complaints against him from all sides.
Cardinal Azzolini, going to an audience of the Holy Father, found that he was angry, and he told him of it in such a manner that the Cardinal could not forbear writing a letter to the Queen about those complaints which were made against Bandiera. The letter was brought unhappily at a time when the Queen was embroiled with the Cardinal about other affairs, insomuch that it was not well received; nay, on the contrary, she gave it to Bandiera out of spite to the Cardinal, saying:
"Bandiera, these wicked priests would ruin thee with me; but laugh at both of them, for I will always take care of thee."
Bandiera, kneeling down before the Queen, with crocodile's tears, implored her protection and afterwards shewed the Cardinal's letter to all the world and gave him all the ill language imaginable. The poor Cardinal, seeing the Queen had thus sacrificed him, made as if he never minded it and, because of his heirship to the Queen, suffered both this and a great deal more from others as well as Bandiera. But the Cardinal's heirs were well revenged upon this wretch and reduced him to pass that he perished for want, after having been the reproach and scorn of all that knew him.
For as he had a wicked tongue and had offended everybody, he found no friend in time of need; neither ought it to be at all wondered at if, seeing he had dishonoured so many honest families, God permitted the same to fall upon his. He had a daughter, tolerably handsome, but very ambitious, who was not contented with the clothes her father would bring her because, being covetous, she often wanted what was necessary. She therefore contrived to have them another way than from him.
For a certain abbot happened to fall in love with her, who was an Italian gentleman descended from an honourable family and was called the Abbot Vanini; which man became notorious for his extravagancies, as you will find in the progress of this history. For this our prelate, always loving a sweet bit and never valuing the expense of it, his propositions were quickly listened to; and the conclusion was made betwixt them without any great preliminaries, for in Italy they come presently to the point in these kind of affairs, because opportunities are more scarce there than elsewhere; and when such are presented, lovers never fail to take their advantage.
One night, though very late, as Bandiera, according to his custom, came from the Queen, he found a guard at the door of his lodging, who would not suffer him to enter; and because Bandiera used to say he could lie when he would at the Queen's, where he had a bed, our lovers did not expect he would have come to interrupt their pleasures and trouble the merriment. Bandiera, being thus kept out of his house, laid his hand upon his pistol; but whether it were that it did not take fire or that he knew not how to make use of it, two men took hold of his clothes and drubbed him soundly, but did not kill him.
These troublesome companions went along with him as far as his good friend the Marquis del Monte's house, where he got in and sheltered himself, passing the rest of the night very ill. And, after all this, his daughter's lover marched off at his own leisure; but the next day this story was spread through the whole city. Bandiera complained of it to the Queen, who, as she sometimes paid him home, told him that he ought not to think it strange if the same measure were meted to him that he himself measured to others.
Cardinal Azzolini laughed with all his heart, and the Marquis del Monte, having had his part of the concern, would fain have persuaded the Queen to put this young woman into a monastery for some time. But she was only a young thing who had married herself without her parents' consent to one who was better acquainted with the daughter than the father; but the poor wretch died in childbed of her first child.
Now, the Queen did not only search after the art of making gold, but pretended to find out the universal medicine and the secret of living an hundred years. As she was very easy of belief, having read a secret of this kind in the Mercury Gallant, so she would try it upon her own person, without any precaution; but she quickly began to swell so much that she was ready to burst and had been in a very ill condition if she had not received a speedy remedy.
This experiment not succeeding, she suffered herself to be deluded afterwards by an English chemist who, having entertained her one day with a great many things which were very curious, assured that he had had a secret to prolong life and that by it persons being of about fifty or sixty years of age might maintain themselves in the same vigour to six-score years and much further. He said he had made the application upon himself and, being 70 years old as he pretended, he had yet a good appetite, slept well, and had all the functions of life as a man of fifty years old.
And, for a proof of his knowledge, he shewed her certificates from a great number of persons whom he had not only cured of strange distempers, but had made young again and given them vigour. He said he had tried the experiment upon the Marquis del Monte, who shewed thereupon an extreme vigour in the combat of love and assured the Queen that the Marquis (though he were 60 years old) had never more vigour than at that time.
He needed say no more to set the Queen on fire. This English mountebank knew so well how to persuade her that she would have this secret at any rate. He professed that he would never teach it to any person, but that he would furnish her with a dose which should be sufficient to keep by her without revealing his secret, because Her Majesty, being the most generous queen in the world, would make no difficulty of teaching it to a great many people, and for his part this arcanum was all the treasure he had.
At last the Queen, being eager, promised him ten thousand crowns for his secret, upon condition he should go immediately out of Italy and come thither no more. But he every day raised his price higher and higher, and the Marquis del Monte, who intended to have his share herein, persuaded the Queen by any means not to let this secret escape, and the thing was carried so far that he was offered thirty thousand crowns. But Cardinal Azzolini, having understood it, was all over in a cold sweat at so great a sum, for the Queen was ready to have given him a bill upon the Bank of Santo Spirito, which was engaged for payment, or would have put her jewels into his hands for security.
One day, being among her maids as they were combing her head, she said:
"I shall put myself into the mode now more than ever. My secret will be vehemently desired by some people and rejoice others. I hope in God to live yet longer than I have lived, to a large extent of years, and to see a dozen popes more. Then I shall tell them a great many things which I can assure them I have seen, though Cardinal Ricci said of me, 'The Queen of Sweden eats a great deal and digests but little, because she does not chew it well; and this will hasten her death.'
And now the old fool is dead himself, but as for me, I shall live a long time";
and other suchlike things.
But all these fine hopes presently vanished, for Cardinal Azzolini, with an hundred pistols, sent this Englishman out of Rome, though himself afterward shewed a weakness of the like kind in his last sickness, where he would have given two thousand crowns for a pill composed by the Marquis Santinell.
English translation (my own):
Love was not the Queen's only amusement. Chemistry was her most serious occupation, although she had lost considerable sums at Hamburg in blowing, particularly with Borri, a Milanese chemist, who is in perpetual imprisonment in the Castel Sant'Angelo for heresy, who gave her nothing but ashes and smoke for two or three thousand écus. The unfortunate experiments had more excited her to continue the search for the philosopher's stone than they had disabused her.
As soon as she arrived in Rome, she had a large laboratory built in her palazzo, where she spent the greater part of her time and where she consumed the bulk of her income, not so much in coal and ingredients as in the roguery of the people she employed in this miserable trade, for it is common for great people to be robbed by those in whom they trust the most.
Cardinal Azzolino, who did not want to openly combat the Queen's dominant passion, introduced to her a man named Bandiera, a chemist, son of an apothecary from a small town in Romagna near Bologna, believing that he had thereby sufficiently persuaded him not to spend so much or to be so prolific in pretending to follow the Queen's inclination for chemistry. But, although this man apparently gave an exact account of everything, the Cardinal only too soon discovered his roguery, as there were months when this expenditure for chemistry, which was called distillery, amounted to three and even four thousand livres.
However, all his merit was only a few very useless secrets of chemistry, and he supported himself only by a poorly followed chatter and by a fabulous account of the beautiful experiments he had never made. In a short time he had the skill to insinuate himself well into the Queen's good graces by his outrageous complaisances, so easy was she to let herself be governed by people of no account. But this procedure did not always avail him, for she beat him with a baton many times and mistreated him in many ways.
It is impossible to tell all the rogueries he committed during his life, especially when he found himself supported by the Queen, notwithstanding the bad treatment she sometimes gave him; but, if he was flattering towards the Queen, he acted proud towards everyone except those who showed him their teeth, because then he became very supple, being the most cowardly of all men, who always went armed with pistols and bayonets — a liar to the greatest degree, a traitor as much to those who did him good as to those who did him bad, most addicted to women and almost always drunk when he was not dealing with the Queen.
Those who have some knowledge of chemistry know how much equipment and things must be used both in coal, furnaces and various pieces of earth and glass, vials, alembics, mortars and other earthenware and metal vessels; but the greatest expense is in drugs, quicksilver, litharge, lead and a thousand other ingredients that are claimed to be converted into gold. The Queen always wanted to go the same way to calcinate, filter and distill — in short, to find what she never found. The miserable Bandiera was the Queen's and the Cardinal's plaything, who, wanting to make Queen disgusted with this profession, was very pleased to see everything going wrong.
Thus Bandiera spent the days with enough difficulty, but the nights were the height of his misery, because the Queen, being then occupied with no one, kept him nailed for six or seven hours on her stoves; and because she never found what she was looking for, she threw at his head everything she had at hand and gave him good blows with the large wooden pestle.
Finally the Queen realised that the Cardinal was playing her; but, in order not to break the bargain with Bandiera, and to keep some measures with him, Her Majesty took it into her head to write him notes for what she wanted to manipulate, believing she would save more when he no longer had the ability to handle money, so Bandiera would go and get his powders and other drugs from the grocer. But, at the end of the year, the Cardinal discovered that the first expense had been reached.
Finally, the Queen gave up chemistry for a time, because her income was no longer coming from Sweden due to the war. She amused herself, however, by doing small experiments and extracting salts from various things. I have seen that Bandiera brought her little pieces of glass that one finds while digging in cellars, antiques from Rome and other similar trinkets. Sometimes the Queen applauded him, but sometimes also the broom handle was his reward.
The wretch was sometimes so upset that he said a thousand stupid things about her that no one would have dared to repeat to the Queen, because she was persuaded that people envied him and that the reports made about him were nothing but slander and intended to destroy him. Finally, this unfortunate man, after having suffered greatly, made everyone else suffer in turn, because he warned the Queen and entered wherever she was at any time.
He became the protector of all the infamies that were committed in Her Majesty's quarters, having joined forces with the Marquis del Monte to reveal to him everything that was happening between this princess and the cardinal, which was not difficult for him, knowing every corner of the palazzo, where he could hide to hear everything. The Cardinal, in despair, played a trick of suppleness to lose him. He began to flatter him again, and he insinuated to the Queen to put into his hands the alms of one hundred écus per month that she had distributed to the poor families of Rome.
He was delighted with this pious employ, but because of the way he comported himself, the Cardinal soon had reason to avenge himself for the sorrows he had caused him, because this scoundrel, in distributing alms, instead of giving them to honest families, according to the Queen's intention, he distributed them to people of ill life to satisfy his infamous passions; and as he was obliged to show certificates of poverty undersigned by curates, he had them counterfeited, or if he addressed himself to women and maids of honour to have some genuine certificates.
He did so much that he bribed most of them on the second or third charity visit to give them secret alms. Those who did not want to abandon themselves to him were deprived of alms, and he reported that they were people of lost reputation, who did not deserve for the Queen to give them charity. There were murmurs about it and even complaints to the Cardinal, but he refused to take notice and sent the poor and the curates back to complain to the Queen.
A curate, a zealous one of those who were called the Pope's barboni, came boldly one day to find Her Majesty, but because this curate did not want to agree with her weakness and her bad choice in the person of Bandiera for her secret chaplain, the barbone was rebuffed; and Bandiera, by denying his bad actions, was believed at his word. But, because he was a wretch whom no policy could make wise, he did so much that the Pope (who was Innocent XI) had complaints from all sides.
Cardinal Azzolino, going to the audience with the Holy Father, recognised that the Pope was angry, and he made it clear to him in such a way that the Cardinal could not resist writing a note to the Queen, informing them of the complaints made about Bandiera. Unfortunately, this note arrived at a time when the Queen was at odds with the Cardinal over other matters; thus, it was not well received — on the contrary, she gave it to Bandiera out of spite, saying:
"Here, Bandiera; these wicked priests want to ruin you in my eyes, but laugh at them. I will always protect you."
Bandiera, throwing himself at the Queen's knees, with crocodile tears, begged for her protection, and then went to show the note to the Cardinal to everyone, saying a thousand nonsenses. The poor Cardinal, seeing that the Queen had sacrificed him, pretended to know nothing about it; and, in order to maintain Her Majesty's good fortune after his death, he suffered many more from Bandiera. I do not report a tenth part of it; but the heirs of this Cardinal took their revenge on this wretch and reduced him to dying from need, after having been the outcast and the opprobrium of all those who had known him.
As he had a wicked tongue and had offended everyone, he found no friends in need, and indeed it is not surprising that, having dishonoured so many honest families, God allowed his own to be dishonoured as well. He had a rather beautiful but very ambitious daughter, who was not content with the clothes her father made her wear because he was a miser who often left her without the necessities. Yet he was only a househusband at home.
A certain abbot fell in love with this girl. He was an Italian gentleman of fairly good family, called Abbot Vanini, who would become very famous for his violence in the course of this story. As this prelate always wanted tasty morsels and did not look at the expense, his proposals were soon listened to. The conclusion was reached without great preliminaries, for in Italy one comes first to the point in these sorts of affairs; and because opportunities are rarer than elsewhere, when they present themselves one does not fail to take advantage of them.
One late evening, as Bandiera was returning from the Queen's, as was his custom, he found a guard at the door of his lodgings who would not let him in. Because Bandiera had said he would sleep at the Queen's, where he had a bed, our lovers did not expect him to come and interrupt their pleasures and disturb the party. Bandiera, chased from his house, got his hands on a pistolet, but, either because it did not fire, or because he did not know how to use it, two men threw themselves on his clothes and beat him up, not wanting to kill him.
Cardinal Azzolino laughed heartily at this, and the Marquis del Monte, after having his share of the cake, made sure to persuade the Queen to have this girl put in a monastery for a while. However, there was a fool who married her in spite of her parents, who knew the girl better than he did; but the poor girl died giving birth to her first child.
Not only was the Queen seeking the art of making gold, but she claimed to have found the universal medicine and the secret of living for more than a century. As she believed it to be frivolous, having read in the Le Mercure Galant a secret on this subject, she wanted to test it on herself without any other precaution, but she thought she would die and would have been found very ill if she had not been succoured as quickly as possible.
This experiment not having succeeded, she allowed herself to be trapped again some time later by an English chemist, who, after having entertained her one day with several rather curious things, assured her that he had a secret to prolong life and that a person of fifty to sixty years of age could maintain themselves with the same vigour until sixty years of age and go even further. He applied it to himself, where, at the age of seventy, he said, he still had a good appetite, slept well and performed all the functions of life like a man of fifty years of age.
As proof of his knowledge, he showed her several certificates from a quantity of people whom he claimed to have not only cured of strange illnesses, but also rejuvenated and to whom he had given vigour. He performed an experiment on the Marquis del Monte, who showed extreme vigour in a love combat, and he assured the Queen that this Marquis, at the age of 60, had never had more vigour than then.
This was all it took for the Queen to catch fire. The English charlatan was so good at persuading her that she wanted to have his secret. This man testified that he had never wanted to teach it to anyone, but that he would provide her with the dose she could use, which was enough for her without obliging him to reveal his secret, because Her Majesty, being the most generous queen in the world, would have no difficulty in teaching it to many people, and that for him this secrecy was his entire treasure.
Finally, the Queen, excited, promised him ten thousand écus to learn his secret, on condition that he would leave Italy and never set foot there again, but he always one-upped her. The Marquis del Monte, who claimed to get his share, persuaded the Queen not to let this secret escape. Thus the matter came to such a head that he was offered thirty thousand écus. Cardinal Azzolino, having learned this, was quite terrified by such a large sum, for the Queen wanted to give him a certificate on deposit at the Banco di Spirito Santo, or to put precious stones in his hands for his security.
One day, among her girls while she was having her hair combed, she said:
"I want to be fashionable more than ever. My secret will make some people sigh and may rejoice others. I hope in God to live even longer than I have lived — and well beyond — and to see a dozen more pontiffs. It is there that I will learn many things that I can assure to have seen, although Cardinal Ricci said of me: 'The Queen of Sweden eats a lot, but she digests little, because she doesn't chew enough; that will hasten her death.'
He is dead himself, that old fool, but me, I will live for a long time",
and other similar poverties.
But these fine hopes soon vanished, for Cardinal Azzolino, with a hundred pistoles, drove the Englishman from Rome, although he himself had since shown a similar weakness in his last illness, where he wanted to buy for two thousand écus a pill composed by the Marquis Santinelli.
Note: The Banco di Spirito Santo (Bank of the Holy Spirit) was a bank founded by Pope Paul V on December 13, 1605. It was the first central bank in Europe (as the bank of the Papal States) at a level above city-states, the first public deposit bank in Rome, and the oldest continuously operating bank in Rome until its merger in 1992.
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