My poem about Kristina and Azzolino (please read the explanation above it)...

Above: Kristina.

Above: Cardinal Decio Azzolino.

I couldn't think of a title for this...

Please excuse the tangential and long but still appertaining explanations and vent below:

I wrote the following poem about Kristina and Cardinal Decio Azzolino in this past July 2022. I forgot about it for a while, but now I have looked at the poem again and decided it is mostly fine as is. This poem is written from Kristina's point of view to Azzolino and based on their correspondence during Kristina's stay in Hamburg from 1666 to 1668, during which time he became distant after their having been so intimate for eleven and twelve years while Kristina missed the way he used to be; but anyone who knows me will surely notice that it also reflects my feelings on my own experience with a dying relationship, it having been with an unexpected but very dear man whose three-year silence and absence and the cause of it (which I will not reveal here for his sake) have admittedly taken a toll on me. My relationship was of a much shorter duration, and it should be said and kept in mind that since this past July my feelings have become more complicated and I have sadly become more resigned to whatever may happen to my Azzolino equivalent because there is nothing I myself can do about that situation. At the time I wrote the poem, I was clearly yet to be fully disillusioned (but optimism and hope are not bad).

Those who know me and the example I have followed (in the relationship and the poem) will also clearly recognise the influence of the Icelandic musician Jónsi on the vast majority of the lyrical style and wordings used in this poem, with particular (and beyond obvious to those who are familiar with this) influence coming from bits of several of the songs from his 2020 album "Shiver", a brilliant and moving account of his feelings at his own 2019 breakup with his ex-boyfriend Alex Somers; as well as some of his other songs and one of those of his band Sigur Rós. In fact, if it were not for him, I would never have met that man I loved. Jónsi and his influence and music have been and still are a great consolation and guide for me in this situation, and they have been so in general for the past ten years.

But at the time I wrote this poem, my hope was that I could remain close friends post-breakup with my own "beautiful boy", just as Jónsi and Alex have been fortunate enough to be (I wanted to follow their example in love since long before I met the one who made it come true, which happened indirectly because of J., and I didn't want my being a girl to make too big a difference); or, alternately, that we might resume the relationship like Kristina and Azzolino eventually did with theirs (and theirs also greatly influenced how I thought of mine and him); but his absence and silence have so far continued. The irony is tragic. We never saw each other, and I am not in his country. I don't know anything new of him anymore, but until whenever and however further notice comes, all I can do is hope the best for him and try to heal myself; and, to put it lightly, I would be glad to hear from him again someday if it is ever meant to be.

I also hope that I will find love again; and if I do, I do not want, or I at least cautiously want, to follow anyone's example in that kind of love again, I only want to have a better and fuller experience than the first time (no offense to the one I had, I will always love him no matter what happens). But I will always be grateful to Jónsi for, among much more, giving me an example to look up to and at least try to emulate. I confess that I would be truly inconsolable if it were not for my natural optimism, forgivingness through the pain, and the support of my friends, one of whom I have been and am lucky enough to be able to follow J. and A.'s example with in friendship so far for these same three years, and not least because we have them to thank for our friendship.

I doubt that anyone will think this, but just in case, I want to say that I am not trivialising, nor do I intend to trivialise, Jónsi's experience by emulating his lyrical style and general way of wording and expressions he has used in his songs for my own work. His are simply my main point of reference when it comes to lyrics and poems, I have always enjoyed his style, and I have learned all too well the pain of a breakup (although his experience and precedent helped me through mine and made me feel less alone in it and more brave to go ahead with it); and as for K. and A., I have tried to represent and convey Kristina's feelings in mostly the aforementioned style as best as I can, but it does fade away at times and near the end into my own general style. The overall content and the rest of the phrasings are based on Kristina's own writings and wordings. If they seem too reflective of my own feelings, that is only because both cited examples are relatable to me as much as they can be in what little experience I have had. I had thought that if Kristina was able to stay hopeful for the return of Azzolino's former feelings and have it eventually work out the way she had hoped, then maybe it could happen for us too; although our circumstances were very different. There are several other songs and/or bits of their lyrics, both by Jónsi and by others, that remind me of Kristina, but those are for some other time.

EDIT 7-3-23/3-7-23 (March 7, 2023/Alex's birthday): A few nights ago, while watching one of the videos for the Frakkur albums (Frakkur was the alias Jónsi used for his experiments in electronic music during the early 2000s; the resulting three albums did not get an official release until 2018/2019), one of the appertaining quotes from him read:

"Being heartbroken is such a powerful force that if you can channel that energy into something creative, it will slowly heal you along the way."

This quote has made an impression on me. Our circumstances were different, as before this bit of the quote Jónsi had related that at the time he recorded the first Frakkur album, he had been suffering the pain of unrequited love, a form of unrequitedness that I as a girl do not have to worry about; but I felt sorry for him and I understood what he meant about heartbreak and the healing power of creativity, so I felt I should add that to this post. So this is the result of my own experience with being able to relate to these two cases. Whatever happens, I hope I will be able to heal as my four aforementioned predecessors have. Although it is indirect and at present unwitting on his part, I thank Jónsi for his guidance, consolation and inspiration in this difficult time and situation.

If the above explanations and somewhat/majorly tangential backstory for this poem come off as overly formal, wordy and even (unintentionally) melodramatic, it is proof of how Kristina's own writing style has also come to influence my own.

But to return to the subject, and without any further ado, here is the poem mostly as it was written. Please remember that it is (primarily) about Kristina and Azzolino and about Kristina's feelings, otherwise it would not be here.

The poem:

You break my reason, you break my promise,
The promise I made for myself.
You rule me, you break me
My reason burns, your fire melts my will,
Your Italian heat.
The only man, I want no one else,
Gentle, beautiful boy, you...

You know it's fate,
You know, you know, oh,
You know it's fate,
You know it's fate, to you...

I always ran free,
Now you bind me to you,
With strong ropes,
But I am still free.
I trip over the heart-roots
Of your tree,
I don't want to stand up.
My soul, my life, my heart, my all,
You own it all,
You can do anything with me.

You know it's fate,
You know, you know, oh,
You know it's fate,
You know it's fate, to you...

After so long
We separate.
The fire dies,
Your ice burns me now,
Everything is cold here,
I wait shivering for warmth.
But your cold can't fool me, no,
I try and melt your ice, say all true,
My life is you.
I don't fear your cold,
I live for you.
You were always open,
Now it's only a bit ajar.
So open your door,
Answer my call.

You know it's fate,
You know, you know, oh,
You know it's fate,
You know it's fate, to you...

No matter how long the cold stays
I'll never stop loving you.
You are the only man I can love,
Our lives are intertwined.
The lord representative of all that changed my life
Sent you into it,
I thank him and the greater Lord God for you.
I have found friends from him and around you,
You all make me the happiest I have ever been.

Caro mio, time and distance are nothing,
I love you still as much as I always have,
I'll always be yours, nothing can stop that.
I am impatient but patient for you,
I don't believe this cold is our end.